We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol/our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

The healing process begins with the First Step. Step 1 requires us to ask ourselves some serious questions. Are we sure we want to stop drinking and drugging? Have we been able to stop on our own? Do we realize we have no control over drugs and alcohol, when as a matter of fact, they control us? Have we been dishonest, deceitful, and acted on our self-will to continue our addiction or hide it from others? Have we been at odds with our own values and goals in life? Are we open to (or even aware of) the possibility that the circumstances of our lives and the way we feel can dramatically improve through a life of sobriety and with the support of others on a similar journey?

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Working Step 1 was and still is a humbling process for me, realizing and accepting that I’m powerless over my addiction. I have come to understand this powerlessness as basically the evidence that I am sick (an alcoholic/addict), and I will have this illness for the rest of my life. It is also humbling to admit how much of my life is unmanageable, and that I need help on a daily basis. I need my sponsor, friends, meetings, and a Higher Power. The good news is that an abundance of help is available to me when I am willing to reach out and ask for it. As I arrive at Step 2, I am encouraged to come to believe in a Higher Power; one that loves and cares for me. I have experienced the evidence of a Higher Power in many ways, especially through the miracle of getting clean and sober and feeling hope for my recovery. I had lost all hope for my life while drinking and drugging and never thought I would even want to be clean and sober. I began to realize the power of Step 2 when my attitudes about life started to change towards having a more positive outlook. I not only changed to the point of actually wanting to recover, but I was also becoming happy. I am so grateful for all my new friends in AA/NA and having a relationship with a Higher Power that loves me.

We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

The implied decision of Step 3 is to continue with the program to the best of our ability. This includes working the 12 Steps with a sponsor, going to meetings regularly, striving to improve our characters, making amends to those we’ve harmed and helping others. Willingness is the key principle of Step 3, and the decision is a commitment to our ongoing recovery. If I believe that the God of my understanding has guided me to this point in my journey, then I can trust that my continued efforts will result in greater benefits and growth. These efforts are not only directed to enhance my chances of continued sobriety, but also help me follow my conscience in all areas of my life. Practicing Step 3 is about trying to do the next right thing in all circumstances. For me, it can be as easy as picking up trash that I notice, or it can be more involved such as volunteering my time and energy to worthwhile causes. In practicing Step 3, I strive towards making choices that feel right to me and result in my feeling good about being a productive, responsible member of society. The more willing I am to work Step 3, the more I realize this involves turning my will and life over to the God of my understanding. A short, powerful Third Step prayer I was taught to help me on this journey is: God, take my will and my life, guide me in my recovery, show me how to live.

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step 4 involves taking a thorough inventory of our life, including past events, people, relationships, resentments, thoughts, feelings, successes, and failures. The willingness to do this fearless work of writing about our life is evidence of Step 3 being put into action. Fearlessness implies that effort will be required to navigate through our emotions with courage as we reflect upon our past. Morality can be thought of as contradictions between our values and our behaviors. We can ask ourselves, “Am I sincere when I say I want to work The Program and change for the better?” The purpose of working Step 4 is to gain insights about our life and notice behaviors that might not have served us well. This process of self-examination helped me gain some humility and new perspectives on my life. By writing a thorough and fearless inventory, I better understood the exact nature of my motives and noticed my typical patterns of behavior. I did the Fourth Step by writing out my inventory over several months using a Step 4 guide available at meetings. I then examined what I wrote and discussed the contents and revelations with my sponsor. I discovered that I have some good qualities that I liked about myself that I wanted to keep. I also have some negative aspects of my personality and patterns of behavior which don’t serve my best interests. The goal of any inventory is to keep the good and discard the bad. I had suffered traumas and committed many misdeeds that were difficult and even painful for me to revisit and write about. In doing so I was able to face the truth about myself and my past and commit to trying to change for the better. In many ways this process has helped me discover who I really am and what I want in life. I am better now able to move away from destructive patterns I developed in my addiction and towards healthy behaviors and attitudes in recovery. 

We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

After finishing my written inventory in Step 4 it was time to proceed without delay to Step 5. I had to let go of any of my fears about sharing the intimate details about my past with my sponsor, whom I asked to listen to my Fifth Step. Even though I had already told him most of the things about my past before this point, there were still some secrets I wrote about that were potentially embarrassing. When I called him to schedule our meeting, he told me to first begin Step 5 by deciding how to best share inventory with myself and the God of my understanding. I hadn’t thought about doing that part of Step 5, so his instructions surprised me. Following his instructions, I reviewed what I had written in a private space, alone on a bench and talked to God as I read all the way through my Fourth Step. This helped me reflect upon what I had written and recall some details. Being conscious of my Higher Power as I reviewed my writings helped me prepare to share my Fourth Step with my sponsor. I felt like the God of my understanding was holding my hand as I proceeded with the Steps. I trusted my sponsor, Bill, and respected his commitment to service, the Program and to my recovery. Bill offered his experience and support while I was writing my Step 4 inventory and he understood the gravity of a Step 5 session. This Step 5 session with him was a new experience for me and felt like a big moment in my life and recovery. I was pretty anxious as I packed up my Fourth Step journal and drove to his house.

We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

While writing my Fourth Step, I tried my best to be thorough and fearless with my moral inventory. After sharing this written work with my sponsor in Step 5, the time came to take a deep dive and examine my specific defects of character in Step 6. The goal was not only to become willing to change, but also to rely on the God of my understanding in this process. My defects of character are attributes about my personality and behaviors which my sponsor and I have identified and realized could be changed for the better. By getting honest with myself and my sponsor, I’ve raised my awareness of some of these character flaws. I realized how dishonest and selfish I can be, not only with others, but also with myself. I have always been pretty good at identifying all the problems of the world around me, but rarely do I consider my own faults. While working Step 6, I realized that I am sometimes oversensitive and too easily hurt. I saw myself getting easily upset and having feelings of self-pity when others criticized me, didn’t do what I wanted or disagreed with me. I noticed this was especially true if it involved those closest to me, like my wife. I can also have a sense of entitlement and feel that I don’t have to follow all the rules if they seem to get in my way. Entitlement allows me to speed while driving, sit wherever I want to at ballgames and pick up little things that don’t belong to me. I can gossip and brag, trying to build myself up by tearing others down. I also can joke around too much, using humor to try to avoid confrontations or pain. These realizations in Step 6 have helped me develop some humility and recognize that I have a lot of room for improvement. The more I examined my flaws, the more I could see the need for me to change. Progress for me is being able to name my defects, claim them and become willing to discard them. I realize I will never become perfect, but I can make progress, one day at a time, and ask for help I need to identify my defects of character.

We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

One of the biggest miracles of my life is that the desire to drink and drug has been lifted from me. I had that uncontrollable urge for years and was convinced that that was just the way life was for me. I feel so much better physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and can honestly say that I am reasonably happy. I attribute these transformations in my life to the fact that I’m not drinking and drugging at all and deeply involved in the 12-Step recovery programs. Without the programs I doubt I would feel this way nor make it very long without relapsing or killing myself.  After working Step 6 and becoming entirely ready to have God remove all my defects of character, the time has come in Step 7 to surrender my shortcomings. First, I trust that letting go of my defects and stop acting out on these shortcomings will be beneficial to me. My current sponsor, Art, makes the distinction that my defects are flaws in my character and shortcomings are the behaviors when I act on those flaws. Even though I’ve been clean and sober for many years now, I still struggle occasionally with unhealthy impulses. If God could remove my desire to drink and drug, why couldn’t he go further and remove these shortcomings. Step 7 asks me to trust the God of my understanding to help me improve my character. I have come to believe that God’s will for me is good and working Step 7 will help me continue to improve my life and help me grow. My doubts about this step included thinking “why would God even think about me?” I’ve come to believe that the real power of Step 7 is found by asking for God’s help. When I earnestly take the time and consciously pray for help, I seem to improve.

We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

The time has arrived in our recovery to begin the process of making formal amends to those we have harmed throughout our lives by actively working Step 8. My behaviors during my active addiction were bound to hurt those I loved and those that cared about me. I hate to admit there were also some additions to my Step 8 list since becoming clean and sober. I am still capable of hurting people and need to take responsibility when I do. Step 8 encourages us to make a list of individuals, groups, and institutions we wronged and consider the harm we may have caused. My list included my parents, siblings, friends, lovers, coworkers, neighbors, and even complete strangers. I also added organizations and institutions such as the IRS, the Catholic Church, and the Police Department. Although it might not have been intuitive as I wrote my list, it was important that I also put myself and the God of my understanding on my Eighth Step list.

We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

The purpose of Step 9 is to free us from the past and become better able to live in the present. I can do this by attempting to set right the wrongs I have committed by trying to repair the damage I’ve done to others. While drinking and drugging, I wreaked havoc in the lives of most of those who loved and cared about me. I also had some individuals on my Eighth Step list that I had harmed while completely clean and sober. Some of these incidents from my past occurred even before I ever picked up alcohol and drugs. I have now met with many of those on my Eighth Step list and made formal amends with Step 9. After discussing each person with my sponsor, I took an opportunistic approach to setting up meetings with those on my list. I reviewed my list and called individuals one at a time and asked if we could get together. After some small talk I let the individual know the reason that I wanted to get together with them was I had something important to me to discuss. I imagine some of them initially thought this was some kind of sales pitch for a pyramid scheme. When we met, I focused on acknowledging the harm I caused them and tried to express my regrets to the best of my ability. I also asked if there was any way I could make it up to them. For those that I owed financial amends, I paid the money back or set up a payment plan when it was beyond my immediate ability. I felt vulnerable by exposing my wrongs and realized I had to accept their reactions, no matter what it might be. Most of my Ninth Step amends sessions went well, as those individuals appreciated my apology and expressed support for my recovery. A couple of sessions were more uncomfortable, as the individuals expressed long pent-up resentments and anger towards me. Thanks to my sponsor’s guidance, my role was to listen and acknowledge their pain and not defend my past behaviors. It was important to go further than mere apologies by making commitments to repair any damage, if possible, and make a commitment to never repeat the harm that I committed.

We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

With Step 10, I try to make a daily habit of self-reflection and quickly resolve mistakes I make as soon as possible. I’ve found a great benefit to me to honestly examine and critique my behaviors and make restitution as soon as possible. No matter how much I’ve changed and grown as I work the 12-Step program, I still make a lot of mistakes; I am human. Step 10 spot check inventories offer me a way to monitor my attitudes and behaviors and make amends on an ongoing basis. I try to reflect on the part I play in difficult situations and respond in a more constructive manner. I’ve become more thoughtful choosing my words with others in an attempt to avoid confrontations as a result. The more I learn to live in harmony with other people, the more I realize the value of maintaining and improving all my relationships. I write about every day in my ongoing journal about different situations in my life, including struggles and accomplishments. Usually, my writings just read like a diary, but when I make mistakes or get involved in conflicts, I write about them in detail. I often discuss these incidents with my sponsor and try to improve my character. This helps me sort out problem areas and navigate more smoothly through relationships and decisions in my life. I need to admit my wrongs and make amends for any misdeeds to anyone I’ve harmed as soon as possible. This practice has helped me sort out my hurt feelings and resentments and hopefully become more mature. Step 10 helps me adjust my behaviors so hurt feelings don’t pile up and linger.

We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

While drinking and drugging, my total self-obsession and constant struggles with life made it difficult for me to have much belief in a Higher Power. I never saw any real use in trying to have a conscious contact with God unless He could get me out of trouble or help me with my supply of alcohol and drugs. I did have a religious upbringing and some faith in my youth, but those beliefs deteriorated as I became more cynical about life. As my addiction progressed, any thoughts about God disappeared from my consciousness. I came to believe that any concept of God was one big farce, similar to Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. I continually compromised my other beliefs and values as well as my addiction took over. Honesty was only a stumbling block that prevented me from getting what I wanted. Even my affection for friends and family deteriorated with each episode of intoxication and embarrassing disasters that followed. My sponsor suggested that Step 11 aims to clear barriers in my communication between myself and the God of my understanding. No matter how much or how little I felt connected to God, Step 11 encouraged me to seek to improve that conscious contact through prayer and meditation. In the beginning of my recovery, my sponsor suggested for me to go into a dark room with no distractions, close my eyes and try to feel some sort of connection with my Higher Power. Whatever I could experience and feel in those moments could serve as my starting point for trying to develop a better connection to God. I felt awkward at first, but I did have a sense of calmness and consciously thought of the idea of God. Ideas that helped me conceptualize Higher Power were marveling about the infinity of space and time. The idea of God was way beyond me and even more mysterious than the concept of infinity. I appreciated the space I was occupying at that moment in time, so maybe I could appreciate the feelings of connection to God, however slight. My initial ideas of God have developed into “The Great that Which I Do Not Understand.” It was helpful for me to first try to delete my conceptions of God I had while growing up and especially my distorted views when I was drinking and drugging. My sponsor and others in the program shared their experiences with the process of working Step 11, but it was up to me to pray and meditate with the God of my own understanding. I actually have come to enjoy praying and meditating and believe I feel varying degrees of connection to the God of my understanding. When I think of God I think about my sobriety and feel a sense of peace and serenity. Step 11 takes discipline on my part and allows me and my Higher Power to be together. I gain inspiration to face the challenges of my life.

Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

My sponsor and the friends I have made in recovery have been willing to help me unconditionally to stay clean and sober. They seemed genuinely excited to carry the message that the program works and were happy that I was doing well. They also empathize with my struggles in life and offer support for my issues such as the difficulties with my marriage, work, health, and finances. The fundamental message of recovery is that anyone can get clean and sober, lose the desire to drink and drug and find a new way to live. It is a paradox of our sobriety to consider that we can only keep what we have found in the program by giving it away to others. The more I try to give aways what was freely given to me, the more I appreciate my own recovery. When I began to work Step 12, my focus shifted to the service work of helping others. I can help the newcomers by reaching out and welcoming them to the meetings and encouraging them to keep coming back. I try to introduce these newcomers to other members so they can get to know them too. Hopefully, they will feel welcome and more comfortable at meetings. I also frequently offer to exchange phone numbers with newcomers explaining that using the phone and calling others in recovery has been important to my success. I tried to call them just to say hello and let them know it was nice to meet them. I also direct newcomers to other meetings, especially meetings that I go to or meetings that might be convenient for them.

The sex/dating/relationship step.

There is no Step 13, it is just a joke you hear around 12-Step recovery programs, but there is nothing funny about it. 13th Stepping involves an experienced member of the program pursuing a romantic relationship with a newcomer. This can be viewed as exploitive, as the experienced members are in a position of power by way of their successful sobriety taking advantage of someone who is vulnerable and seeking help and acceptance. Sadly, this happens all too often and should be discouraged. Those with experience in the program tend to protect the newcomers from such predators the best they can and hopefully guide them to finding a sponsor to help further guide them in their recovery.